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BUSH TO CALL ON U.N. FOR HELP IN IRAQ
Text Of Planned Phone Call Released
 Homeland Security HQ - (GNS)
- White House officials released the planned text of the phone call President Bush will make tomorrow to the United Nations to request help in Iraq.
     The unedited transcript is printed in its entirety below.
     BUSH: "Hi, is this the U.N.?"
     U.N.: "Yes."
     BUSH: "Well you should send money and troops to help us in Iraq, not that we really need it, but it would be the right thing to do in the war on terror and all."
     U.N.: "Are you willing to share any authority in the rebuilding of Iraq in exchange for the aid?"
     BUSH: "No."
     U.N.: "No?"
     BUSH: "No."
     U.N.: "None?"
     BUSH: "None."
     U.N.: "Pardon me, Mr. President, but don't you think that's a bit arrogant?"
     BUSH: "We're the United States. Are you with us or against us?"
     U.N.: "This is the way you ask for help?"
     BUSH: "This is how you respond? Name-calling?"
     U.N.: "I think the word arrogant is accurate."
     BUSH: "Money and troops. Have them on my desk by the end of the week."
     U.N.: "Uh--"
     BUSH: "I'll take that as a yes. Hold on while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.
     U.N.: "But I--"
     CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: "Congratulations. You're now a member of the Coalition of the Willing. Welcome to War on the Axis of Evil and the War on Terror. For your contribution you'll be receiving an American flag lapel pin and a handy War on Terrorism starter kit with several easy-to-use phrases that suggest but don't actually state specifically that Hussein was behind 9-11."
     U.N. officials reported they had received the text of the transcript and had agreed to participate, but said there must be a 14-day cancelation of membership included in the offer, and a full money-back guarantee if Iraq does not become a self-governed democracy by November, 2004.