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DOPED UP BUSH GIVES GROOVY PRESS CONFERENCE;
LAYS OUT WHAT A DRAG SADDAM IS "He's A Bummer, Man" Homeland HQ (formerly Washington, D.C.) - (GNS) - President Bush, doped up on painkillers, anti-depressants and "some great shit we flew in from Columbia" laid it out for the American people and peoples of the world in a free-wheeling acid-text press conference Thursday night. "Like, dig it. Saddam, he's a bummer, man," Bush told listeners, who grooved to the mellow vibe. "Saddam, he's uptight. He's the Man. And like I'm sayin' that like he's a Pig, man. Can you dig it?" the president said. "Fuck the pigs!" Mixing stoned hippie jargon with Vietnam vet lingo and Black soul culture references, Bush promised that "if it goes down heavy man then you know we're gonna waste that motherfucker. We're gonna sock it to 'em." Bush sang a few bars of "Shotgun" then stared at the ceiling before taking questions. Aides denied Bush was "fucked up on drugs" and said this new approach was similar to, well, no one who'd ever been president before. "President Bush is cool," Press Spinmeister Ari Flyshirt told reporters yesterday. He would not elaborate. In response to questions about the cost of the war and the threat from North Korea, Bush said "that's a bummer too, man. Like, dig it, we got the bread. No problemo. We got the stash, we got the cash, like, wow." Slipping into a cross between Haight-Ashbury hippiespeak and California surferspeak, Bush said North Korea was "their own thing. It's a bring-down, fer sure, dude. Anybody got any Gorp?" Bush closed with a rambling statement similar to a Lenny Bruce rant, songs by Bob Dylan and Country Joe MacDonald and an Allen Ginsburg poem. "We're not fightin' this war for oil. One two three what're we fightin' for? I don't give a damn. It's tits an' ass, man. I've seen the best minds of my generation make a killing at Enron and Worldcom. Howl. Howlin' Wolf. Boom boom boom boom, gonna shoot you right down. In the halls of justice the only justice is in the halls. Don't follow leaders, watch the parkin' meters," he said. "Where is my attorney, that fat Samoan?" he said before letting his head drop to the desk to "take a power nap" according to aides. |
