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GAS PRICES SOAR
 Americans Take It Up The Ass
 Heartland, USA - (GNS)
- Gas prices soared higher than they have ever been before, ever, and the American public responded by bending over and taking it up the ass, according to a brand new report published by the Bendover Institute, a conservative, somewhat lewd think tank in Washington, D.C.
     "This is precisely the reaction the President and the oil companies were hoping for," declared Pun Rectum, director of Bendover.
     Rectum explained the price increase was part of a several-pronged plan to fully milk the American wallet at the gas pump to make up for Enron's failure to fully milk it at the utility gauge.
     "We've got the taxpayers funding the takeover of the Iraqi oil fields for the 'American' Corporations, we're making money hand over fist at the pump, and with the soaring costs and the ever-increasing body count we'll soon have the American public cornered so they'll let us drill in Alaska and off-shore," Rectum said. "And the beauty of the plan is that it's totally transparent. There's no hidden conspiracy. It's all out in the open. And everyone is just bending over. Is this a great country, or what?"
     Rectum added that an additional, "wonderful" part of the plan "is that there are environmentalists who actually support the higher prices. They don't give a shit about working people who depend on auto transportation. They don't get that all their mass transit funding is federal and can be yanked any minute. All they can do is think 'well this is the real price of gas and it's about time Americans paid and maybe this will get them to use their bicycles', as if most Americans who drive cars can switch to bicycles, as if this is Europe, as if mini-vans don't exist. It's incredible!" Rectum exclaimed.
     Rectum said gas prices would come down when it's politically expeidient to lower them, "but they'll never be as low as they were. They never are, are they?"
     Members of the Anne Coulter Brigade of the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Stepford, Indiana said they were willing to bend over any time the president wants them to.
     "We are proud to be patriots," said former colonel Blind Obedience. "If the president says bend over and take it up the ass, we hop to, say 'yes sir', and we assume the position. That's what being a loyal American is about these days. Yes sir."