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Bulletin Fictional Times Exclusive DARYL GATES BROUGHT IN TO QUELL IRAQI LOOTING Chief Sets Up CP At Florence & Normandie Kuweight City - (GIN) - Former LAPD Police Chief Daryl Gates was recruited by General Tummy Franksanbeans to stop the looting in Umm Qasr, Basra, and Baghdad, Centcom announced earlier today. Gates, who quelled the L.A. riots after the Rodney King cop-beaters' verdict in 1992 after three or four or maybe five days is thought of as the best riot queller and looter queller in the country, Franksanbeans said. Gates' specialty is letting riots and looting run rampant for "a couple of days" while dining with his men, then cracking down "like there's no tomorrow," Franksanbeans said. "We dropped leaflets saying 'Can't we all get along?' and it didn't work," Franksanbeans said, "so we had no choice." Gates will work from the safety of Kuwait City, with the rest of his Command Post stationed at Florence and Normandie in L.A., "just in case." "Iraqis are just another potential group of L.A. immigrants and residents," Gates said. "Teaching them not to loot here may help us stateside in the long run." Gates said his men, former LAPD cops, would "crack heads, use tear gas, and even chokeholds if necessary, to restore law and order." "I'm pretty sure we can use chokeholds here. After all, it's a war, these people have been liberated and they haven't even thanked us yet. Time for them to learn some manners," Gates said. British forces who have failed to control Basra welcomed Gates and his men. "Hip hip, jolly good, good hunting and all that," they said in unison. |
