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HART MULLS RUN FOR PRESIDENCY
Polls Show People Prefer Sex Scandal To War
 Monkey Business, CO - (GNS)
- Former Senator and presidential candidate Gary Hart said he was considering running again for the presidency, despite his hanky panky over twenty-five years ago.
     "Many great presidents have had mistresses," Hart said. "I think a case can be made that if FDR hadn't had a mistress, we might've lost World War II."
     Hart was accused of screwing Donna Rice during the campaign for the nomination of the Democrat party in 1988.
     Hart said recent polls indicating that "the people prefer a sex scandal to war" compelled him to consider running.
     "The American people know what they want, and sex rates higher than war," he said.
     "I like sex better than war," declared Arnold Kozmatosis, a shipbuilder and part-time bookbinder in Prosaic, New Hampshire.
     "If people wanted war, they'd put war on magazine covers instead of women with tits," said Harlan DiCotamy, an out of work soothsayer in Dearborn, Michigan.
     "I think sex is good, but, you know, not always. Sometimes he falls asleep," said Virginia Plattmountain in Desktop Falls, Idaho. "Of course, I'd rather have him fall asleep than go to war," she added.
     Hart said if he did run, and was elected, he would not have sex in the Lincoln bedroom.
     "Lincoln didn't, so I shouldn't," he said.
     He also said he would not have sex with White House employees.
     "Donna Rice was, well, I don't know, but she didn't work for me and she didn't work for the government," he said.
     Many pundits and historians attribute the 1988 victory of George Bush to the shenaningans of Hart and its front place as representative of the dysfunction of the Democrat party.
     "I don't think that's true. My having sex with Donna Rice had nothing to do with Dukakis climbing into a tank. Or did it?" Hart said.
     Historian Arthur Schlesinger noted that if Hart had been elected, the Bush regime would not have occurred, and Clinton would not have been elected.
     "It's a tragedy. Hart is bright. His views on domestic policies and defense are responsive to the problems we face. If only he'd kept his dick in his pants, things would be better," he said.
     Hedonist Hugh Hefner disagreed.
     "If only the country wasn't still so uptight. It's time we have a president who has five or seven beautiful surgically altered babes," he said. "I mean, good godalmighty, it's the twenty-first century, you know?"
     CNN Toad Wolf Blitzer said he hoped Hart would run.
     "It would make great television!" he exclaimed.