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JESUS AGAINST WAR; BUSH UPSET
"I Am That I Am," Says President
 By Michael Adler
Gainesville Daily Statement Correspondent
Colorado Springs, CO - (GDS)
- Jesus Christ caused an uproar Tuesday when he held a press conference outside his home in South Park Colorado, expressing reservations about the war with Iraq
     "This war goes against my teachings. In fact all wars go against my teachings. To paraphrase something I saw on a billboard: what part of thou shalt not kill do you not understand?" Jesus said.
     President Bush condemned Jesus for cynically using religion to promote anti-American political interests.
     "This kind of activity cannot be tolerated in a free and democratic society," he said.
     Bush said Jesus's statements will not dissuade him from pursuing war.
     "We will perservere in our crusade against non-Christian religious terrorism and bring Armageddon, despite the unpatriotic voices of religious fanatics," Bush said.
     Jesus’s press conference was cut short as he was hauled away by FBI agents. Attorney General John Asscrack ordered Jesus detained for visa irregularities. Jesus is an immigrant from Nazareth, a location of high terrorist activity.
     Talk radio had a field day with this situation. Rush Limbaugh said "Celebrities like Jesus should leave foreign policy to our politicians and stop interfering". Savage Nation host Mike Savage called Jesus an "America-hating, Saddam-loving, terrorism supporter". Bob Rose suggested that the US create "roving bands of Jesus killers to kill him again and again every time he resurrects or reincarnates himself."
     In related news, CIA director George Tennet unveiled the CIA’s latest interrogation device, the electric crucifix. Tennet said "It combines traditional roman crucifixion technology with electric shock to the genitals." Tennet refused to confirm whether the electric crucifix would be used with Jesus, but did admit that "two units have already been shipped to our counterparts in Egypt."