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WAR CONTINUES DESPITE OSCAR CEREMONY
Subdued War Marred By Increased Fighting; Dow Falls As Oscar Show Exceeds 3 Hours
 Kuweight City, Kuweight - (GIN)
- A last minute decision to continue the war during the Oscar ceremony was made at the White House yesterday.
      Plans to end the war in 72 hours or put the war on hold so the Oscars could proceed without news bulletins and carnage overseas were changed at the last minute because of increased fighting, according to war planners at the Pentagon.
      "We've been discussing this all week," said General Franksan Beans. "Out first plan was to end the war before the Oscars started. We couldn't accomplish that because of unanticipated resistance and the standing order to make it look like we're trying not to kill civilians during our Shock n' Awe (TM) campaign."
      Beans said an agreement was reached with Oscar producer Gil Cates to subdue the war during the Oscars.
      "We thought if we eliminated the bombing and just used tanks and helicopters it would be respectful of the Oscar ceremonies. The motto here is 'Support the Actors', even if you don't like the movie," Beans said.
      The plan to subdue the war failed when the Iraqis chose to fight back.
      "It was exactly the kind of outburst we hoped would not occur," Beans said. "It got ugly. They shot at us. We shot at them. Next thing you know it's a full-scale battle. Believe me, we did everything we could to avoid that kind of disruption but, bottom-line, this is a war and in war the enemy has the right to fight back."
      Cates said he was only mildly disturbed by the disruption, but was more concerned with the economy.
      "We tried to bring the show in at 3 hours. We went over and the DOW tumbled. That's not good," Cates said.
      Several senators indicated they will call for hearings to investigate the length of the Oscar show.
      "I don't know how we're going to continue to pay for the military if the economy is shaken so badly by a long Oscar show," said Senator O-ring Hatch (R-UT). "Like every other American, I was praying the war would not disrupt the show, but the show went long anyway and now the stock market's plummeted."
      Many frontline troops did their best to keep the Oscars in mind while fighting, according to field reports.
      "This one's for Catherine Zeta-Jones!" was shouted by many artillery gunners as they fired at the enemy. Others shouted cheers for their favorite stars, including Rene Zellwiger, Halle Berry, Jack Nicholson, and Nicole Kidman.
      Beans said it was a shame they could not end the war in time for the Oscars, but he said, "there's an old adage, 'the war must go on.'"