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Putin, Still Groggy, Admits To Testing Opiate Gas On Himself Before Using It In Crowded Theatre

PUTIN WILL TRADE OPIATE GAS TO U.S. FOR EXCLUSIVE FOREIGN DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS TO BRITNEY SPEARS CDs, LEVIS 501s, AND RALLY MONKEYS; BUSH TEAM WANTS GAS FOR USE AGAINST IRAQ
 Secretary of Commerce Who Leans On Spears, Levis and Anaheim Angels To "Do The Patriotic Thing"
 Washington D.C. - (GNS)
- Russian Premier Vladimir "Ritz" Putin confirmed today he would trade the opiate gas used in the raid on the Moscow theater for the exclusive foreign distribution rights to two of America's most profitable exports and one new "very promising item, the Rally Monkey".
     Secretary of Commerce Iam Who announced the prospect of a trade earlier today.
     "We are anxious to get out hands on that gas," Who said.
     Secretary of War Donny Drumself confirmed Who's statement. He added, "Though we'd sure like to use all kinds of new hardware on Iraq, that gas might just do the trick. We could put the whole nation to sleep, and we wouldn't even need a television in every home to do it."
     A spokesperson for Britney Spears said she was willing to turn over foreign distribution rights to her properties, but she said continued international spread of nude photos of her naked and without clothes could be a dealbreaker.
     "If I thought the Russians had anything to do with spreading me around, I'd have to say no," she said.
     Disney spokespersons said they would agree to this use of their Rally Monkey as long as collateral uses, such as a Rally Monkey movie, remained fully in their hands.
     "Plus, we'd like a theme park in Russia. GulagLand, or something like that," they said.
     A spokesperson for Levis said they would probably say yes.
     "After all, Levis and rock n roll won the Cold War. If Russia wants to make money off subverting other tyrannical regimes where the young people just want to wear bluejeans and dance, that's fine by us."
     Putin said all the conditions were acceptable, as long as GulagLand could be in Chechnya, "after the war".