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KEY TO MESS CABINET STILL ELUDES SEARCHERS
Strawberry Theft Incident Remains Unsolved;
Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, Rice, Wolfowitz Promise Results "Imminently"
 Queeg, Iraq - (GIN)
- The hunt for the duplicate key to the mess cabinet from which strawberries were stolen continued yesterday throughout Iraq with search teams focusing on Tikrit and Bogart.
     U.S. officials from the White House to the ground commanders in Iraq insisted that finding the key was a top priority.
     "We told the people we were going to war because Iraq had the key. Our intelligence was solid. We're going to find it," Secretary of War Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld told reporters at his daily press briefing & comedy show yesterday.
     Scientists have confirmed that the strawberries, when mixed with whipped cream or chocolate are a potent weapon and therefore the theft of the strawberries must be solved.
     In his address to the nation in his state of the union speech, President Bush proved with "immutable logic" that a duplicate key existed.
     Secretary of Who Knows What? Colin Powell declared the existence of the key when he made his case for war to the United Nations.
     Private John Doe, who was killed yesterday in a firefight while searching for the key was heard to have muttered as his last words, "Find the key, boys. I know it's there. Don't let me die in vain."
     In related news, plans for a Gulf War Monument with a likeness of Private Doe, larger than the WWII monument under construction in D.C., have been proposed to be located in Massachusetts and would displace the entire population.
     "Of course it's bigger. What does it say to our men and women in uniform if the WWII memorial is bigger than the monument to the current war?" said Deputy Field Marshal Wolfowitz.
     "And if it eliminates Senator John Kerry's seat, well that's patriotic too," Wolfowitz said.