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TERRORISTS LAUNCH SANDSTORM Sandstorm Vision Goggles Not Invented Yet Somewhere Near Basra, Iraq - (GIN) - Terrorists working with Iraq launched one of the worst sandstorms in the history of recorded time yesterday in an effort to stop the Allied advance on Baghdad. "This is fucked," said Lt. John Adobe, from Tucson, Arizona. "You can't see a thing." CIA analysts are at work trying to figure out whether these are the same terrorists who launched the huge snowstorm in the U.S. in February. "Right now we don't have the technology to create these storms or to fight them. I don't know whether it's Dune, Darth Vadar, the Klingons or the G'oauld, but they're getting some high-grade stuff from somebody," said General Franksan Beans. "And we haven't developed sandstorm vision goggles yet," Beans added. With temperatures just below a hundred degrees and everyone wearing protective chemical and biological suits that enclosed the body from head to toe, plus body armor and a helmet, it was almost but not quite absolutely but not completely unbearable. In late afternoon, the top officers from a few different Army units, grounded by the sandstorm, ended up meeting on a desert road. They pulled out maps and compared notes on battle plans for the next few days. Among the group were generals and colonels who would be making the important calls. They were about five minutes into the meeting, leaning over the papers on the hood of a Humvee, when a Special Forces officer, who was protecting the group, looked over the horizon. A giant black column was leaning across the desert sky. The officer tapped a colonel on the shoulder, pointed to the sky. In an instant, everyone grabbed the papers, and generals and privates ran for their trucks and Humvees. "It was biblical," said Col. Ricky Gibbs of the 101st Airborne Division as he stood with soldiers on the road. "There's a movie - `Scorpion King' - that shows this same kind of sandstorm. That's the only other place I've seen it like that, and I grew up in Texas, where we had plenty of this." Some of the soldiers complained about the absence of theme music. "I'd've like to heard 'Lawrence of Arabia, y'know?" said Corporal Harry Drulug, from South Carolina. Others took a different view, disgusted with conditions. "This oil better be worth it," said Adobe. |
