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America's Only E-Paper That Comes Out Every 5 or 11 Days!!Established April 17, 2001
** Archives Updated March 6, 2004;
April 17, 2001 thru May 14, 2003 **
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SEATTLE BIO-WEAPONS ATTACK WAS REAL DR. GERM IN CUSTODY; LEX LUTHOR AND DR. MAGNETO STILL AT LARGE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND! Bush, Powell Didn't Lie After All 
IRAQIS FORGET TO BE THANKFUL No Garlands, No Kisses, No Wild Parties STATE DEPT: "SYRIA BEHIND 9/11 ATTACKS" Powell: "Evidence Overwhelming, Convincing, Irrefutable, Undeniable, Devastating, Proof Positive, End Of Story, Period" DARYL GATES BROUGHT IN TO QUELL IRAQI LOOTING Chief Sets Up CP At Florence & Normandie SYRIA WARNED NOT TO BE SYRIA "Keep It Up And You're Next" "BENNETT GAMBLED FOR OUR SINS" 
STRAWBERRY THEFT SOLVED! Missing Duplicate Mess-Room Key Found In Baghdad |
100% TAX CUT PROPOSED "Cutting Taxes Creates Jobs; Let's Create All The Jobs We Can" MONTY PYTHON ARRESTED FOR SPAM 2-Year Investigation Of "Plague of the Internet" Centers On Cult Figure BUSH, BLAIR PLAN LIBERATION OF NORTHERN IRELAND Coalition Forces Will Fight On Both Sides To Ensure Victory 
MOVIE STUDIO PRESSURED TO SUSPEND FILMING OF "THE WARRIOR AND THE GEEK" "Depiction Of Battle Between War and State Not Appropriate At This Time" CLINTON INVESTIGATED FOR NOT FLYING IN NAVY JET STUDY: CIVILIZATION BEGAN IN TEXAS Michael Adler, Staff Writer 
RUMSFELD GETS ANGRY AGAINScrunched Face Has Doctors, US Enemies Alarmed DISNEY AWARDED CONTRACT TO REBUILD IRAQ U.N., Knott's Berry Farm, Carlsbad Caverns Lose Out BUSH SR., CLINTON TO LEAD POST-WAR IRAQ TEAM "We Will Rebuild Iraq," Former Presidents Promise HUSSEIN DISAPPEARS, SARS SPREADS Investigators Search For The Al Qaeda Connection |
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BUSH ACCUSES VETERANS OF ALLIANCE WITH TERRORISTS Veterans' Leaders Arrested by Michael Adler Special Correspondent from the Gainesville Daily Statement AMERICAN EMPIRE FROWNS ON IRAQI TACTICS "They fight like guerillas, like savage Indians" BUSH TO TROOPS: "REMEMBER THE ALAMO" Troops Ordered To Take Up Battle Cry by Michael Adler & Gilbert Hurricane US MISSILES HIT IRAN Chinese Embassy Prepares For US Strike JESUS AGAINST WAR; BUSH UPSET "I Am That I Am," Says President By Michael Adler Gainesville Daily Statement Correspondent OSCARS WILL BE CENSORED No Anti-War Comments: If You Want To Send A Message, Go To Western-Union STONES WILL BE CENSORED IN CHINA Premier Ed-Mao Ping-Sullivan-Chen Dung Issues Decree CHENEY LINKED TO DUCT TAPE INDUSTRY; SCORES MILLIONS FROM ORANGE ALERT SCARE "Americans Should Be Proud" BUSH VOWS TO "WIN THIS ONE FOR MISTER ROGERS!" "Let's Make This A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood" CBS EXECS TOLD GRAMMY STARS: "NO ANTI-WAR SPEECHES" "The Words Of The Prophets Are Written On The Tenement Walls, Not Spoken On National TV" IRAQ SEEKS APPROVAL FOR PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE Overwheming Evidence of Coming US Invasion Cited 
De GAULLE TO LEAD VICTORIOUS ALLIES INTO BAGHDAD Good Faith Gesture Will Heal US-French Divide TERRORISTS LAUNCH SANDSTORM Sandstorm Vision Goggles Not Invented Yet BUSH TELLS U.N. "GIVE ME A WAR LIKE YOU GAVE DADDY" Pentagon, NSA, Plan Incident To Trigger War U.S. PURCHASES TURKEY Iraq Now On U.S. Border WAR CONTINUES DESPITE OSCAR CEREMONY Subdued War Marred By Increased Fighting; Dow Falls As Oscar Show Exceeds 3 Hours SENATE VOTES TO CUT TAXES TO PAY FOR WAR Less Taxes Means More Money For Military, Schools CASTRO WELCOMES ASYLUM SEEKERS Hijackers Flee To Cuba BUSH, BLAIR, AZNAR PLAN INVASION Spain To Send Armada, British Will Attack New Orleans, US Will Occupy S. Vietnam DOPED UP BUSH GIVES GROOVY PRESS CONFERENCE; LAYS OUT WHAT A DRAG SADDAM IS "He's A Bummer, Man" |
 SADDAM TAPE DOUBLE SUSPECTED "Different Glasses, Different Sweater"  Bush Wears John Wayne's Hat For Speech BUSH TO SADDAM: GET OUT OF TOWN Text of Bush's Speech  "Bill, You Ignorant Slut" CLINTON, DOLE TEAM UP FOR REVIVAL OF POINT/COUNTERPOINT Clinton Will Be Democrat, Dole Will Be Republican WAR COULD EFFECT OSCAR GOWNS "Don't Look For Cleavage If The War Starts"  DESIGN CHOSEN FOR REBUILDING AT GROUND ZERO Enduring Symbol of Defiance BUSH TO BRING DEMOCRACY TO IRAQ BY ELIMINATING IT IN EUROPE "Axis of Unworthy Democratic Nations" Threatens War Effort By Michael Adler Gainesville Daily Statement Correspondent TURKS RECONSIDER, MAY ALLOW U.S. USE AS BASE Kurds Fucked |
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BUSH SPEECH WILL BE SHORT, TO THE POINT Advance Copy Obtained By The Fictional Times CHENEY CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF STING, SUPERBOWL HALF-TIME SHOW "We Are Not Sending Out An SOS!" CANADIAN FORCES MASS AT U.S. BORDER Demand For U.S. Regime Change Unanswered IRAQ ADMITS IT ORDERED ALUMINUM TUBES, NO FRIES Suspicions Rise About Lack Of Interest In Fast Food BUSH SETS UP INSANITY DEFENSE Nuclear Option Strategy Key To Plea U.S. PREPS WAR PLANS AGAINST GERMANY, FRANCE "You're Either With Us Or You're Against Us" HART MULLS RUN FOR PRESIDENCY Polls Show People Prefer Sex Scandal To War BLACKS URGED TO GET WHITE SKIN "This Will Help US To Be Color-Blind" UN INSPECTORS INSPECT IRAQI PALACE; NO LINCOLN BEDROOM FOUND SUPREME COURT PONDERS REVISING "MIRANDA" "Rights? You don' have no stinkin' rights" |
BUSH SETS DEADLINE No Line Drawn In Sand BUSH TO APPOINT SUCCESSOR TO SYDNEY OMARR "Predicting The Future Is A Job For Homeland Security" N.KOREA CRISIS NOT A CRISIS "It's A Dispute" Says Office of Diplomatic Vocabulary  EMPTY WARHEADS REVEAL IRAQI MIGHT "This Must Be Stopped!" Says Rumself LIEBERMAN WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENCY "I Support The President" He Declares JAMES BOND FINDS, KILLS BIN LADEN Frodo In N.W. Iraq; Harry Potter Entertains Troops In Saudi Arabia BUSH ECONOMIC PLAN TO EMPHASIZE BUILDING SCHOOLS, ROADS, BRIDGES "Wealthy Can Wait, We've Got A Job To Do" FRIST PROPOSES PUBLIC-PRIVATE HEALTH REFORM RUN BY U.S. MILITARY "Military, Private Sector Do It Best" |
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KISSINGER APPOINTED TO HEAD 9/11 COMMISSION
Oswald, Sirhan Sirhan Top Suspect List BUSH PLANS RAMADAN FEAST AT WHITE HOUSE BBQ Pork Ribs And "Whatever They Eat" Are On The Menu SOME DETAINEES AT GUANTANAMO BAY PRISON TO BE RELEASED They Will Be Allowed To Swim Off The Island C.I.A. WARNS U.S. ATTACK ON IRAQ MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE Warning Stuns Nation; "We Already Had Our Blinders On!" Pres. Declares  BAKER LEAVES GIANTS, WILL MANAGE DEMS BUSH OFFERS JIANG TRADE: CHINESE GET N. KOREA, U.S. GETS IRAQ N. Korea, Iraq, Form Line Of Evil, Seek Third Partner For Axis FLEISCHER SHIPS MANNLICHER-CARCANO RIFLE TO IRAQI REBELS Press Secretary Confirms Special White House "Regime Change Discount" Cargo Rate BLITZER JOINS BUSH WAR EFFORT Attacks Dr. Helen Caldicott For Having An Expert Opinion PUTIN WILL TRADE OPIATE GAS TO U.S. FOR EXCLUSIVE FOREIGN DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS TO BRITNEY SPEARS CDs, LEVIS 501s, AND RALLY MONKEYS; BUSH TEAM WANTS GAS FOR USE AGAINST IRAQ Secretary of Commerce Who Leans On Spears, Levis and Anaheim Angels To "Do The Patriotic Thing" CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS DEBATE NEW FREE SPEECH ISSUE Is It Legal To Shout "Opiate Gas" In A Crowded Theater? SEN. KERRY LAUNCHES BID FOR PRESIDENCY DURING WAR ON TERRORISM FEC Launches Investigation For Violation of Patriot Act; Kerry's Plane Does Not Go Down In Woods Yet GORE CRITICIZES PRESIDENT GOP Responds: "Politicizing War Effort Is Our Job" NORTON CHARGED WITH STEALING FROM INDIANS; INTERIOR SEC'Y DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A CRIME Justice Dept. Defends Her Against "Indian-lover" Judge IRAQ CALLS FOR U.N. INSPECTION OF U.S.; "IT'S TIME TO FIND THE ANTHRAX!" BUSH PROPOSES CONGRESSIONAL WAR RESOLUTION Wording Drawn From 1964 Gulf of Tonkin Resolution ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON KARZAI REASSURES WORLD COMMUNITY “Assassins Don’t Strike Unless A Nation Is Well Developed And Progressing” Is Consensus OHIO COURT OUTLAWS LOCAL DEMOCRACY Appeal To U.S. Supreme Court Is Not Expected LUGGAGE QUESTIONS DROPPED FROM AIRPORT TEST BUSH CALLS FOR WAR BEFORE ELECTIONS "The New World Order's on a schedule, and we can't wait for stragglers"  Fall Fashions Feature Terrorist Alert-Inspired Colors, Simple 'Get Out Of The Building Fast' Design, No Accessories.  U.S. Soldiers Train In Colombia For Fighting In Jungles Of Iraq. (Pentagon Photo)  Felix Blix, Chief U.N. Arms Inspection Negotiator and Inspector, Denies He Is A Cartoon Character. "Would a cartoon character move his hand like this?" he asks, moving his left arm up and down. When reporters answer "Yes," Blix says, "Well, you got me there." Blix also denies his assistants, Kerplunk and Boing, are cartoon noises.  Enron Capo Andrew Fastow Sits Calmly, Self-Assured Enron Has No Chemical Weapons and Will Be Exonerated of All Charges.  Voters Race To Cast Ballots In Southern California; AAA Urges Caution "Until You Get To The Polls" |
GORE WINS FLORIDA
Surprise Write-In Campaign Defeats McBride, Bush THURMOND WINS IN NORTH CAROLINA Dole, Bowles Concede To Venerable Senator BUSH CHANGES POLITICAL MAP OF THE COUNTRY Balance Of Power Shifts Overtly; Lessens Need For Covert Government VENTURA WINS MINNESOTA SENATE RACE "The Secret Write-In Campaign Worked!" MONDALE PROMISES NOT TO CRASH IN PLANE "If I Go Down, It'll Be At The Polls" GOD DISPUTES SNIPER'S CLAIMS Exclusive Interview On Larry King CONNIE CHUNG JOINS BUSH PROPAGANDA EFFORT CNN Correspondent Attacks Congressman For Critical Thinking  WINONA RYDER WINS CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR ELECTION Shoplifting Was Key U.S. PUSHES FOR QUICK U.N. VOTE ON IRAQ New Voting Machines Installed At U.N. BUSH PLAN FOR BELTWAY LEAKED Rumsfeld Favors Forceful Actions to Foil Sniper Attacks POVERTY RATE UP; HOUSEHOLD INCOME DOWN; EXPERTS BLAME IRAQ, U.N. CALLS FLOOD FBI, LAW ENFORCEMENT SWITCHBOARDS; WAITRESSES AND OTHERS REPORT CEOs ARE PLANNING CORPORATE TERRORISM, MASSIVE THEFT EDWIN STARR ADDRESSES U.N. Soul Singer Shares Thoughts About War VIETNAM WAR DODGERS HOLD REUNION Many Who Avoided Service Now Want War 
 SHEEN, ANISTON ANNOUNCE BID FOR WHITE HOUSE Emmy Winners Will Seek The Dem & GOP Nominations SHAKESPEARE IMPLICATED IN LINCOLN ASSASSINATION PROBE Booth Got Idea For Regime Change From Bard's "Julius Ceasar" DRUG-CRAZED CALIFORNIANS DISTRIBUTE FREE POT Bush Calls For Free Screenings of "Reefer Madness"; Daughter Jenna Will Hit Lecture Circuit INDICTED WORLDCOM EXECS LAUNCH "PRISONCOM" Exclusive Prison Will Be For Convicted CEOs CHENEY, RUMSFELD PONDER ATTACK ON ENGLAND "We Never Did Get Payback For Their Attack On Washington" Veep Says CHIRAC PROPOSES TWO-PRONGED APPROACH TO IRAQ French Leader Warns "The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same" RENO'S AGENTS SURROUND MCBRIDE'S HOUSE; SHE ACCUSES HIM BEING A CULT LEADER  Wolf Blitzer, Actual Size Official Photo Bush War Information Office  Putin, Still Groggy, Admits To Testing Opiate Gas On Himself Before Using It In Crowded Theatre  Nancy Reagan Pleads With Bush, "Just Say Yes" To Stem Cell Research. Bush Tells Nancy Investigations Underway Searching For Link Between Stem Cell Research and Al Qaeda.  Arafat, Surrounded By Israeli Army; Israel Surrounded By Hostile Arab League Nations. (Arafat Compound and Israel Not Visible)  Marijuana victim, 22, protests pot giveaway; says "Dope made me old, put me in this wheelchair, and made me think imaginatively. It's awful." Federal Doctors report Marijuana causes wheelchair dependency "83% of the time."  Adam Torricelli Wayne, senate candidate from Michigan, ends campaign after photo of him posing nude in snow surfaces. Wayne decried the negative attacks that lead to his decision, saying "it's not like I'm ethically impaired or lied about student loans." Attack ads from his opponent asked "If Adam Torricelli Wayne doesn't have the sense to come in out of the snow, what will we tell our children?" |
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FALWELL BLAMES GODLESS INDIANS FOR FIRES VENTURA QUITS BUT DENIES QUITTING FBI BOTCHED JOB, GETS MORE POWERS Hearings Begin Today To Decide Parameters Of Cover-up FBI, CIA MEET IN OSLO, SEEK DEAL COLORADO CREATES DEPARTMENT OF ESTRANGED SPOUSE LETTERS SYRIANS QUESTION AL QAEDA SUSPECT SERIOUS CRIME RISES; SILLY CRIME EPIDEMIC White Collar Crime Ignored; Shirtless Crime Reconsidered PALESTINIANS WILL HOLD ELECTIONS TO ELECT ARAFAT Florida 2000 Model Studied; Jews For Buchanan Could Tip Election To Mubarek NIXON DAUGHTERS FEUD OVER CONTROL OF LEGACY OF CORRUPT, MURDEROUS PRESIDENT Tricia Contends Father Was Wicked, Julie Argues He Was Evil; Powell Sent To Broker Peace IRAQ ANNOUNCES BENEFITS FOR MARTYRS PROGRAM Wellness Program, Death Leave Now Included in Coverages Crushaum Q. Lapador, Mideast Correspondent POPE ISSUES NEW LAW: GOD DOES NOT FORGIVE PEDOPHILIA Gilbert Hurricane, Religion Correspondent MIDWEST LIBERATION ORGANIZATION (MLO) CLAIMS CREDIT FOR BOMBINGS Demands Iowa, Nebraska And Parts Of Illinois Become Separate Nation U.S. PLANS SURPRISE ATTACK ON IRAQ Operation "Mum's The Word" In The Works CARDINALS ARRIVE AT VATICAN McGwire, Musial Sign Autographs; Flood Challenges System Patrick St. Vincent Malloy Vatican Correspondent "20TH HIJACKER" DECLARES HATE FOR U.S., JEWS Vitriol Startles Those Who Thought Moussaoui Was Merely A Violent Threat |
NRA BACKS "GUNS IN SCHOOL" LEGISLATION by Phil Haney Roving Correspondent CHURCH REPLACES DOCTRINE OF FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION WITH ZERO TOLERANCE Says Jesus Could Have Been Wrong To Preach Forgiveness ISRAEL TO TURN OVER WEST BANK TO JORDAN; GAZA TO EGYPT "You Want To Deal With Arafat? Go! Do!," Says Israeli Parliament OFFICE OF STRATEGIC BIAS CREATED by Jordan Eisenberg & Gilbert Hurricane LIEBERMAN EMBRACES VIOLENT VIDEOGAMES by Jordan Eisenberg NEW JERSEY FBI OFFICE HAD WARNING ABOUT BENEDICT ARNOLD; CLAIMS SUPERIORS IN PHILADELPHIA FAILED TO ACT BUSH PROPOSES OUTLAWING COUCHES Pro-Exercise Advocates Applaud Action ISRAEL COMPLETES VENEZUELAN WITHDRAWAL Out Before US Or UN Can Make A Peep Crushaum Q. Lapador South American Correspondent MILAN MAYOR QUITS All He Can Say Is "Sorry" U. Ndead Hippy Roving Correspondent MIDEAST CRISIS MARS OTHERWISE ROSY OUTLOOK THROUGHOUT WORLD FRANCE VIES FOR ANNUAL NAZI AWARD "C'est Tres Magnifique!" Declares Le Pen; Chirac Bans Vichyssoise Giscard Plus Meme Correspondentez Francaise U.S. DENIES ROLE IN U.S.-SPONSORED COUP ATTEMPT CIA Chief Tenet Testifies At Congressional Hearing PALESTINIANS FIND ALTERNATIVE SUICIDE ATTACK STRATEGIES Robert Fontneau Mideast Correspondent NASH TO SOLVE MIDEAST CRISIS Searches For Proper Equation |
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ISRAELI MILITARY OVERTHROWS VENEZUELAN GOV'T Seeks Distraction From Palestinian Impasse QUEEN MOTHER DIES English Worker Bees Disoriented GORE WON'T RUN, BUT GORE MIGHT Tipper Won't Be Gipper While Al Shaves For His Gal FASHION DESIGNERS, INTERIOR DECORATORS ASSAIL COLOR-CODED WARNINGS Beige, Mauve, Black, Lime, Magenta, Teal Not Used DR. STRANGELOVE REVEALS SECRET PLAN FOR NUCLEAR WAR "You Can't Handle The Truth" Says Former Disinformation Director Cheney JOHNSON, WESTMORELAND: INCREASE OF TROOP STRENGTH NECESSARY Thousands More Will Be Sent Into Battle; MacNamara Says "We'll Do Whatever It Takes" |
SAUDIS PROPOSE GIVING A PORTION OF THEIR OWN LAND TO IRAQ IN EXCHANGE FOR ASSURANCES CATHOLIC CHURCH ATTACKS HERETICAL PROSECUTIONS "Our Bumfucking Priests Should Be Protected By The Separation Of Church And State" SENATE EMBRACES POLLUTION, SUCKS UP TO AUTO INDUSTRY "Standards? We Don' Need No Stinkin Standards," Declares Senator Levin U.S. TROOPS DEPLOYED ALL OVER THE MAP WITH NO CLEAR SPECIFIC MISSION AND NO EXIT STRATEGY Hands Tied, Nuclear Weapons Ruled Out; Oddly, Republicans Are In Charge |
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U.S. DRONE SPY-PLANE DOWNED BY IRAQ Plane Is Trained For Desert Survival; Rescue Mission Planned SURPLUS MISSING, PRESUMED GONE D.C. Police Lead Investigation JESSE HELMS TO RETIRE "I Say, Uh, My Work Here Is Done, Y'all" CONDIT CLAIMS "FAIR SHARE" OF MISTAKES Federal Trade Commission To Investigate Claim HOFFA WANTS ANWR DUG UP He Believes His Dad Is Buried There |
SHARKS MASS OFF FLORIDA COAST Demand Return of Gulf to Marine Life, Or Else... CLEAN AIR REFORMS THREATEN LAWSUITS TO MAINTAIN CLEAN AIR Administration Tired Of Money Going To Lawyers BUSH CALLS FOR RETURNING SOUTHWEST, CALIFORNIA, AND TEXAS TO MEXICO Urges Mexico To Return Land To Indians Once They Get It From U.S. U.S. NUMBER ONE IN ARMS SALES AGAIN Arab Emirates Lead List Of Buyers; Heston Fans Lag EVERYONE MOVES TO OLDUVAI GORGE Massive Relocation Puts Everyone "Back Where They Came From" |